21 years! TWENTY ONE YEARS! Wow! I’m such a grandma! haha. No, not really. Not a grandma. But still… I’m 21! I feel like this is the day you think about when you’re younger and wonder if you’ll ever actually make it to. It’s one of those milestones you imagine and watch other people reach but are never able to really put yourself there. Or maybe that was just me. Probably.

My heart is just full of so much joy today… Like it’s literally swelling inside of me and the joy is about to just overflow any minute into something wonderful. And lately I’ve been having so many of these beautiful moments of peace and contentment and I look at the crazy and uncertain life I’m living right now and I wonder how it’s possible and where it comes from and I feel so thankful! And I realize what it is… That it’s God opening my eyes to the beautiful life He has laid before me… To the journey I’ve been on for 21 years that I’ve taken for granted more often than not. And it’s HIS joy that is filling my heart. And HIS peace. And contentment in HIM that is giving me this “everything is right in the world” feeling.

I look back on my life and I think about the journey up until this point- November 9, 2011. I think about how for the majority of these 21 years I’ve walked in darkness. In not knowing or appreciating or acknowledging the love of a God who was walking with me all along. I think about how many times i denied Him… More than Peter, that’s for sure. And I think about the exact moment I fell on my knees in the weakest moment of my life my freshman year in 310 Emmons Hall when God filled my heart and I felt His love consuming me for the first time ever. And I think of the whirlwind of a journey He has taken me on since then… To PCB, to Haiti, into the lives of life-long friends, into grace and truth, into community, into endless love and forgiveness. And these past couple weeks my mind has gone back to that moment my freshman year… I can remember the song playing on my iTunes, the look of my room, the desk I was sitting at praying. And I think about what I brought to the table on that day… What it was that I did that allowed God to consume me in the powerful way He did and to have not stopped since. What did I do?! Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had absolutely NOTHING to give. I was broken and empty and even if I had tried there was nothing I could have done. It was completely Him. All I had to do was surrender.

I think about the last few months of my life and what they have been made up with. Stress and uncertainty… That’s for sure. I don’t think anyone can ever really prepare you for the time you spend in limbo not knowing what comes next after graduating college. But they’ve been filled with performance as well… Me working myself to the ground just to be good enough. Just to meet the standards of my professors, my peers. To compete in a world consuming me with unhealthy goals and dreams and pressures of what it means to succeed. And so many mornings I’ve woken up and started my day on my own strength… Just hoping to get by, hoping to stay awake through class, hoping somehow I can just get the shots I need for this story, or focus long enough to finish this internship application, or basically just to not have a major meltdown looking at my “To Do” list. All of this instead of walking in the strength of a God bigger than everything combined. And this past weekend at church I was gently reminded that it’s not about me and it’s not up to me. The Bible gives us very specific instructions as to what our role is if we read John 15.

…“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

Apart from Christ I can do NOTHING. On my own, I can do NOTHING. And more so, it’s not for MY glory, but for the glory of GOD!

…”This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” John 15:8 

I’ve lost this perspective. I’ve forgotten that it’s not about me… And I’m so thankful today to know that nothing I ever do can change the love that God has for me. It’s been done. The day that Christ died on the cross was the day that I was set free from every mistake, from every shortcoming, from every time I’m just not good enough. It was the day that you were set free, too. And nothing we could ever do will change that… God asks for open and willing hearts. He asks that we surrender the plans we have for our lives for His plan that is SO much greater. And today, as I’m basking in my 21ness, I’m praying that this overwhelming feeling in my heart never goes away… That I’ll be so consumed with Christ’s love that it will overflow from my heart into whatever it is He has in store for me next.